WWDC 2014: OS X, iOS, iWatch and more!

It’s that time of year again! Monday, June 2nd marks the opening of Apple’s Worldwide Developer’s Conference (WWDC). As always, the festivities commence with Tim Cook’s keynote presentation at 10am PST from San Francisco’s Moscone West. Rumors have been buzzing around for months about what Apple has in store for us during the three major launch events this year; WWDC is the first of those. I’ve sifted through all the rumors and come up with my list of the things we might see announced on Monday morning.

1. iOS 8
Like last year, Apple will be releasing the latest version of iOS to developers to begin testing it for bugs and making sure their apps are compatible. After the major redesign that came with iOS 7, little visual change is expected for iOS 8. For developers, expect to hear an emphasis on making your apps “resolution independent” so that your app layout is the same regardless of the size or resolution of the screen it’s on (since we’re likely getting a larger-screen iPhone in the fall). Some have speculated that we might get split-screen multi-tasking like a standard PC, but this seems very unlikely at this point in time. It might get an announcement, but they won’t be demoing it. We’ll definitely here about some improvements for both Siri and Maps. Siri will be getting a shot in the arm thanks to the integration of Shazam for song identification (with “buy” links back to iTunes). Maps will finally gain transit directions, as well as more points of interest. An interesting addition will be a standalone app for iTunes Radio and new apps to correspond to the Mac apps Preview and TextEdit. One of the biggest additions expected is a health app, Healthbook. This app will gather health-related data from the M7 co-processor in the iPhone 5S, as well as another expected announcement….

2. iWatch
Rumors have been swirling about what the iWatch is going to look like. No one knows for sure as this has been kept very tightly under wraps. We’ll likely see a standard wristwatch with a round face made out of sapphire crystal (which is actually what some watch-faces are already made out of). We might not see a demonstration of it, but it should be announced right alongside iOS 8. The iWatch will include a slew of biosensors to feed health data of the wearer to the Healthbook app on his or her iPhone running iOS 8. While rumors say that it will run the full version of iOS (instead of the gimped version that the iPod nano runs), this seems very unlikely. A watch does not need access to the App Store or a web browser. The watch functions will be mainly to provide sensor data and act as an extension of your iPhone’s notifications, as well as being an actual watch you can use to tell time. None of that requires the “full” version of iOS. Expect at least a couple of days of battery life and a 1.3-1.5″ display.

3. OS X
Last year, Apple’s summer emphasis was on getting everyone ready for the transition to iOS 7. Summer 2014 will be all about the next version of OS X. Codenamed “Syrah” (seemingly to throw everyone off), Apple will continue the California landmarks naming scheme by naming the successor to Mavericks after one of the state’s greatest natural marvels, Yosemite. The number, on the other hand, is something I feel is up in the air. Current rumors number the next version as OS X 10.10 (read “OS ten, ten point ten”). This seems rather silly. At some point, Apple must move past 10 and “take it to 11″ (I’m coining that phrase first so I can sue Apple later, jk loling); now is as good a time as any. While I don’t think Apple will move to calling it OS XI, I do think Apple will call it OS X 11 Yosemite. Another possibility that I haven’t heard anyone talk about is that they will simply call it OS X, no more number. Similar to their move with the 3rd-gen iPad (the “new iPad”), this may be a better fix for the eventual number issue, while probably causing some confusion when comparing versions of OS X (“wait…is Yosemite a more recent version than Sonoma, or is Mojave the newest version?”). In terms of the actual OS changes, almost nothing is known outside the walls of 1 Infinite Loop. We might see a “flatter” design like iOS 7, but anything’s possible with Jony Ive in charge of the design!

4. Mac Mini
While every other Mac has been upgraded to Intel’s latest Haswell-series processors, the Mac Mini has been stuck on its Ivy Bridge processors since October 2012. Even with no obvious signs, I believe Apple will finally update the Mini with new Haswell processors and Thunderbolt 2. Apple has learned to not leave its products cold for very long (like it did with the Mac Pro). There likely won’t be any other changes, besides a possible switch to flash storage like in every other Mac (except the iMac). A switch to flash storage could mean a slight redesign. More than likely, this will just be a quick announcement of the processor and Thunderbolt updates.

5. iMac
Evidence was found in the latest OS X 10.9.4 beta that mentions new iMac models. This likely refers to the rumored “low-cost iMac” as well. Customers love the iMac and they’ve been clamoring for a cheaper entry point for a complete desktop Mac. The beta contains 3 plist files that mention new iMacs, one without a display. This “headless” iMac could either be a rebranding of the Mac Mini, or it could be the “Mythical Midrange Mac Minitower” that has eluded Apple customers (my own speculation). The minitower actually makes more sense than it ever has. When Apple redesigned the Mac Pro, it left a gaping whole in its desktop Mac product line. Every Windows desktop comes in a box that allows you to upgrade the internal components with relative ease. Up until the late 2013 redesign, the Mac Pro filled this market for Apple, even if it was mainly aimed at creative professionals who needed to add more hard drives or expansion cards for specific functionality. A Mac minitower would provide the processing and graphical horsepower of an iMac, without the requirement of buying a display and with the ability to add internal hard drives or PCIe cards. By not including a display, Apple could sell the minitower for around the same price as the current, high-end Mac Mini ($799) and give customers a fairly powerful machine that they can use with whatever display they want!

6. Home Automation
One of the smaller announcements we might see is that of a home automation standard. Like Apple’s MFi program for quality iPod, iPhone and iPad accessories and cables, this would simply be a set of manufacturer’s guidelines and an API for developers so that products would be inter-compatible. Everything from your thermostat to the door locks would all be controllable from your iPhone. This may not be quite ready, but Apple might give us a sneak peek of this to get developers excited.

But Paul, when can I buy/download these awesome products?
I’m glad you asked. Here’s what you can expect to hear on Monday:
iOS 8- Apple will say “in the fall”. Based on previous years, it’ll be available for download on September 17th.
iWatch- Since all evidence points to the iWatch not quite being finalized, Apple will say “later this year” (like it did with the redesigned Mac Pro). Depending on the progress made, we could see an update on its status at the September iPhone event.
OS X Yosemite- Like the release of Mavericks, Yosemite will see a release at the October event when the rest of the Mac lineup is refreshed.
Mac Mini & iMac- These should be available immediately after the keynote finishes and the online store goes live again.

I look forward to watching the keynote live this year to follow along with what should be an exciting event! Watch out for a “surprise” appearance by new Apple executives Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. We won’t hear anything more about Beats this time (besides an acknowledgment of the acquisition), but I wouldn’t be surprised if they tease us a little about the eventual integration of Beats Music into iTunes Radio.

The magic starts tomorrow morning at 10am! Apple is streaming video of the keynote on their website and the Apple TV, and many tech blogs are doing live-updating streams as well. I’ll be live tweeting the keynote here and tweeting major updates here (for those that don’t care for a play-by-play. Also, follow me on Twitter!).

Sources: Gizmodo, 9to5mac, MacRumors, AppleInsider, CultOfMac

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New Apple Products, Round 2!

Well, the iPhone event left us with a lot of unanswered questions. Here’s a short recap of what we got last month:

-iPhone 5S: 64-bit A7 processor, upgraded cameras, Touch ID, “space gray” and gold color options, leather cases
-iPhone 5C: iPhone 5 in a polycarbonate shell, 5 different color options, upgraded cameras, cheese-grater cases
-iOS 7
-iWork & iLife apps: free for new iOS 7 devices

With little else updated, Apple will have a lot to cover on Tuesday. Here is what we expect to be announced:

New iPads are a given. We’ll see a 5th-gen iPad with an A7X, upgraded cameras, slimmer bezels (like the iPad Mini) and the new “space gray” color option. The 2nd-gen iPad Mini will be sporting a Retina display, A6 or A7 processor, upgraded cameras and “space gray” color option. We could possibly see a gold color option and Touch ID for either of these as well, but not very likely at this point. The iPad 2 should finally be dumped and the cheaper iPad seat will go to the 4th-gen iPad and original iPad Mini. The current Mini could possibly see a spec bump, depending on how the new Mini handles battery life with the Retina display. Price points will stay the same and they’ll be released on November 1.

iOS 7.1 will probably make an appearance. Apple has been testing it internally for a couple weeks and should roll that out with the new iPads. The only major feature change will be the return of iCloud Keychain. For more on that….

OS X 10.9 Mavericks will finally get a release date. Apple has been working diligently to get this thing ready to go and developers were given notice early last week to start submitting apps compatible with it. Apple typically releases its desktop OS right after an earnings call. Isn’t it convenient that Apple has one scheduled for next Monday the 28th? This means Mavericks should be available for download on the 29th, unless they decide to surprise us and offer it sooner. We should also get updated versions of the iWork and iLife suites, as well as an official rollout of iWork for iCloud and an update for Final Cut Pro X to support the new Mac Pro and 4K displays. Speaking of which….

Apple will unveil the finalized configuration of the brand new Mac Pro, along with its price. We’ll also get 802.11ac wireless and Haswell updates for the Mac Mini and MacBook Pros. The Retina MacBook Pros should also get super-fast PCIe flash storage like the Air, iMac and new Mac Pro. It would make sense that they would update the Thunderbolt ports to version 2.0 with the new Mac Pro. This could also be the end of the line for the non-Retina MacBook Pro, the last computer Apple sells with a built-in optical drive. If that happens, we should see a significant price drop and the Retina MacBook Pro losing its “retina” moniker, as the distinction will be unnecessary. We’ll finally see an Apple computer lineup that’s been fully updated across the board for the first time in years! The Mac Pro might not be available until mid-November, but the others should all be available for purchase that day. Might there be just one more thing….

Steve Jobs was notorious for utilizing that line to try to surprise us with something we might not have seen coming. There are a couple of wildcards that we might see get a mention at this event. The first is the Apple TV, which is due for an update. It could be as simple as a spec bump (A6 processor, gigabit Ethernet, 802.11ac) and/or a whole new interface with some exciting new content deals. They’ve been adding more and more “channels” and are almost ready to square off against the cable companies. The other wildcard is a new Thunderbolt Display. When Apple gave us the sneak peek of the new Mac Pro back at WWDC, they touted that it would support three, 4K displays. The Thunderbolt Display has not received an update since it was introduced in July 2011. With the introduction of Thunderbolt 2.0 on the new Mac Pro and USB 3.0 included throughout the lineup, those would be easy updates to predict. However, Apple could disrupt the high-resolution display market by upgrading the already-awesome 2560×1440 Thunderbolt Display to 3840×2160 (4K). They promised us an update to Final Cut Pro X to fully utilize the three, 4K displays the new Mac Pro supports. It only makes sense that they would offer a 4K display of their own. With their profit margins as they are now, Apple could afford to put a 4K panel inside and not make as much profit on a display that many professionals will be clamoring for to pair with their new Mac Pros.

This is going to be a really exciting event!

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An Avalanche Of Apple Awesomeness

Alright folks, it’s that time of year again! A flurry of new Apple products is about to be released over the next 2 months and there are rumors abound about what Apple has up its sleeve this time around. I’m here to sift through them all and give you a clear picture of what to expect for this year’s refresh. All of the following information has been pulled from various tech blogs, including: Gizmodo, BGR, MacRumors, 9to5Mac, and AppleInsider. Without further ado, let’s get started!

iOS 7
This is the one thing I know for certain will show up at the iPhone unveiling. A new version of iOS always comes with a new iPhone. iOS 7 was announced at WWDC on June 10th; so we know what’s coming with that. It’ll be supported on the iPhone 4, 4S and 5, 5th generation iPod Touch, iPad 2, iPad with Retina display (3rd & 4th generation) and the iPad Mini, as well as all the new devices announced. More on those…

iPhone 5S
The updated iPhone model will definitely be called the 5S, following the naming pattern that started back in 2009 with the 3GS. It will sport the same design as the iPhone 5 with upgraded internals. Few surprises here; expect the usual suspects to be upgraded. We’ll see a dual-core A7 processor, 12-megapixel rear camera, dual-LED flash for better low-light photos and a slightly bigger battery. Other possibilities I haven’t heard others speculating about, but that make sense, include: small low-power processors for specific applications (Siri?), the more power-efficient combined chipset for Wi-Fi/Bluetooth and a more battery-efficient LTE chipset would equate to greatly improved battery life on the 5S. Don’t expect to see 802.11ac Wi-Fi though; the battery drain would negate any gains in capacity or through the aforementioned improvements. We probably won’t see that until the iPhone 6. The one thing Apple might have up its sleeve would be a much-needed security boost: an embedded fingerprint sensor. I’ve been seeing speculation and leaks about Apple either integrating a fingerprint sensor into the display or home button. The home button seems like the best bet for this and recent leaks suggest Apple agrees. If this happens, expect to be able to unlock your iPhone by simply putting your finger on the home button. This will also be the first iPhone to be released on all 4 U.S. carriers simultaneously (Verizon, AT&T, T-Mobile and Sprint). It’s even possible that one model could be used on all of those. Look for smaller and prepaid carriers to get it within the month following the initial release.
“But Paul, what about those leaked, plastic-looking iPhones?”
Well…

iPhone 5C
Let me start off by saying one thing: I’m not fully sold that this is actually coming out. Apple has prototypes of several different versions of its devices at all times; they’re currently testing a 12″ iPad but that won’t ever see the light of day. This could be the same scenario as when the 4S came out: everyone was expecting a teardrop-shaped phone matching all the leaks prior to its announcement, not the same design as the 4. A plastic iPhone just doesn’t feel like an Apple product from 2013.
Having said all that, these leaks all look legit. However, I feel like most sites have it all wrong. Everything I’ve read about the iPhone 5C (C stands for cheap?) says it will replace the 5, which doesn’t make sense. Let me explain: when the iPhone 5S drops, Apple will discontinue the iPhone 4 (even though it does support iOS 7, as I mentioned). That will leave the 4S as the only iPhone sold by Apple with a 3.5″ screen and 30-pin dock connector. After last fall’s quick refresh of the full-size iPad to give it the Lightning connector, I believe Apple will use the same philosophy to ditch the 4S a year earlier than normal. The 5C will replace the 4S as the free-on-contract model, meaning that all iPhones that Apple sells will have a Lightning connector and 4″ screen. It will have a hybrid of the internals from the 4S and 5 with a polycarbonate-like case, which should equate to slightly better reception for cellular and Wi-Fi signals. This should at least have the cellular internals of the 5 so that all 3 iPhones (5C, 5, 5S) will support all 4 U.S. carriers. This is the only scenario releasing the 5C makes logical sense.
“But Paul, I need to replace my aging iPod. How about those?”
Good question…

iPods
Inevitably, we’ll see a 6th generation iPod Touch introduced. It’ll have updated internals like a dual-core A6 processor and 8-megapixel camera, maybe the fingerprint-sensing home button. Probably not much more of a change here. There haven’t been any leaks concerning a new Shuffle or Nano so don’t expect to see those, although a bump in storage would be nice. The Classic could finally be killed off if they release a 128GB Touch. Look for the 5th generation Touch to stick around as a cheaper model for a few months like the 4th generation model did.
“Didn’t they upgrade the iPad around this time last year?”
Correct! Speaking of which…

iPads
We’ll see a 5th generation iPad released with the usual upgrades: A7x processor and better camera. If the fingerprint sensor shows up in the iPhone 5S, you can bet it’ll be in the new iPad as well. It’ll also sport thinner bezels a la the iPad Mini and be thinner than the current, 4th generation iPad thanks to new display tech. Speaking of the iPad Mini, a 2nd generation Mini with a Retina display should be showing up. It’ll have to use an AXx processor like its bigger brother in order to power the high-resolution display, likely the A6x powering the current, full-size iPad. Look for a price drop on the 1st generation Mini and 4th generation full-size iPad. Apple should finally discontinue the iPad 2, getting rid of the last device they sell with a 30-pin dock connector (assuming they kill the iPod Classic and iPhone 4S, like I said before).
“Hey Paul, what about computers? I like to do real work.”
Little snotty, aren’t we? Yes, Apple does still sell computers…

Macs
Apple updated the MacBook Airs at WWDC with the new Intel processors. No other Macs  saw an update, though we did get a sneak peek at the new Mac Pro. We should see an across the board update to those battery-efficient Haswell processors; hopefully we’ll get a small storage bump as well. The Mac Pro will make its scheduled appearance. This could even be the time we see the non-Retina MacBook Pro discontinued; it’s gonna happen sooner or later. This could precipitate the complete move away from standard hard drives and going all-in with flash storage. The new Mac Pro will have PCI-E based flash storage and we could easily see a similar move on the Mac Mini and iMac. That’s actually pretty exciting because those things are screaming fast! We also might see a new 4K Thunderbolt Display released alongside the new Mac Pro. Expect discounts on the now-current models from other retailers.
“Where’s OS X? Isn’t it about time for another cat?”
There’s not many left to choose from…

Mavericks
Well, Apple is changing things up a little bit. At WWDC, they announced, and released for developer beta testing, OS X 10.9 Mavericks. With not many cat names left, Apple decided to move to a naming scheme with quite a few more choices: California landmarks (Mavericks is a well-known surfing location in Northern Cali). We know from the announcement what to expect here and this should be released alongside new hardware. As it seems, any model Mac that can run Mountain Lion will run Mavericks (though features like AirPlay mirroring will have specific hardware requirements).
“So when can I get all this cool stuff?”
Ahh! I knew I was forgetting something…

Release Dates
It’s all but confirmed by Apple that the iPhone(s) and iOS 7 will be announced on September 10th. It makes sense to announce the new iPods and iPads on this date as their updates won’t take much time to explain. That will bring all new, iOS 7-supporting devices out on the same day and kill the 30-pin dock connector all in one event. With the announcement on the 10th, they should be available for pre-order on Friday the 13th and in stores on the 20th. This means we should expect iOS 7 to be released on September 18th to all supported devices. I’ve heard about delays for the iPad version, but hopefully those will get ironed out. As for the computers, I expect another October release, with a launch event probably on October 15th. This is where we’ll see Mavericks, updated Mac Minis, MacBook Pros, iMacs and the new Mac Pro (with possible 4K TBD). Expect all of these to be available the same day.

Whew! That’s a busy fall for Apple; so many new products ready for holiday shoppers! If you’re in the market for a new computer or mobile device, it might be best to wait until this plays out. If anything, for the discounts on the older stuff.

If you have questions about this or any other tech issues, I make it my business to answer those questions. Go here to get in contact with me. Like my page and share it with your friends who might need just as much help as you do.

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Data

It’s smack dab in the middle of VBS week here at Calvary. I’m loving being a roaming camera operator and getting to see these 1200 kids worship our King every morning. But something happened this afternoon when I got home. As soon as I walked in the door, I died an emotional death.

I’m not exactly sure why. There’s so much going on that I can’t really point to one specific cause. All the same, I feel like Lieutenant Commander Data, without his emotion chip of course. I’ve had pretty much the same, emotion-less expression on my face for the past 12 hours, even through going out to dinner with my family. I could just be tired from getting up early the last three days and only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. That amount of sleep is usually particularly bad for me; more or less than that and I’m fine. But it feels like it’s more than that.

Maybe it’s that person I saw today from a distance that’s ignoring me.

Maybe it’s a bit of depression from not being able to find another job.

Maybe it’s the pain of everything that’s happened over the past 7 years.

Maybe mawidge.

Maybe I’m just….
lonely. I know I have family and friends that care about me. Depression sets in easily because I have such a high standard for how I treat others. When I don’t get that treatment in return, it feels like others don’t care. I realize that we’re all unique in the way that we express to each other how we care; I’ve identified exactly how I do and it’s a part of who I am. It all boils down to the “do unto others” bit that I talked about last time: I expect to be treated how I treat others. Even little things, such as supporting me by coming to see my softball games, make it feel like others just don’t get it.

I’m also a worrier that stresses about seemingly small things. This is where my organizational habits come in to play. I’m always the least bit worried when I’m not in control of a situation or event and will try to gain as much control as I can without overstepping my bounds (which can be a fine line sometimes). I do enjoy the organizational stuff though because it’s also how I help others (and I’m pretty good at it). To all my friends: if you see me trying to take control of something, please do keep me in check. By that I mean to make sure that I’m not overly worrying and keeping my head straight about it.

So much a part of me is pouring into others, but rarely it seems I get others pouring into me. I’m probably just focusing on a particular way and getting disappointed because it just hasn’t happened at all like I’ve wanted it to. I know, God’s plan and whatnot. I guess I’m just running out of patience. Prayer is appreciated.

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Careful[l]

Helping HandDo you ever have those times when you just really want to help someone? Those times frustrate me. I’m frustrated because that want is never satisfied; I never get to follow through with my help. Any help I offer is immediately dismissed. Why be so dismissive when your health is on the line? Does the fact that I care about you [enough to be willing to take you to the emergency room] scare you?

I think the most frustrating thing about caring for others is not getting the same from others, even those who directly receive it. Now, that’s not to say that I do it because I want them to return the favor. It’s like how the grace of God saves us and not our own works. There’s the whole issue of fruits that make your faith evident to others. Those fruits aren’t a result of your own effort or works; they are an outpouring of the Holy Spirit as the result of a life following Christ. In the same way, I feel that the response to something like this should be different.

Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just angry and frustrated because I don’t feel loved in the same way that I love others. Maybe I’m angry because I’m a single guy hearing about all this crap that goes on in the lives of people I care about and there’s not a thing I can do about it but stand there and nod. Maybe I’m frustrated that I try to make it easy to let people in, but all they do is resist when I’m the one standing at the door.

In reality, how I feel about someone matters very little. I love easily; it’s how they feel about me that matters. For all that I do or try to do, it doesn’t matter. Nobody wants to give me what I need; not that I deserve it. I’m still waiting for that job God has for me. Do you want to know how to love me? Let me love you and show you how much I care about you. I’m gonna love you regardless; it’s a lot less painful when you stop resisting and embrace it/me. That’s the “her” the title of my blog refers to.

Can we please just stop playing these games and get back to the basics? It just seems like Matthew 7:12 has kind of gotten lost in translation. But what do I know? I just end up internalizing, then ranting about it.

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Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

“So shame on me now……now I’m lying on the cold, hard ground”

The world sucks. I just can’t seem to win. The best laid plans are ruined by the lies of a fallen world. I can’t get a job, no matter how perfect it may be for me.

Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and emotional. I’m so tired of that. I’m tired of feeling personally attacked by everything that happens. I’m tired of having to play games to make others happy. I don’t mean to be manipulative about it (if that’s how it comes across at all, not sure). My constantly-analyzing mind says that’s how it gets done and is usually right. Because people like playing games with others. I hate that. I want honesty, but no one else seems to want it. Yes yes, fallen world and all that jazz.

I’m not saying I’m perfect in any of this. I fail and need to work on these things just like everyone else. I do them because I know they work, which is a sad testament in and of itself. But I don’t see anyone else trying/wanting to change these things. If they are, where are they in my life? God continually puts people in my life so that He can work in them through me. I see that constantly. He uses those times to work in me, too. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Speaking of time….

I’m constantly frustrated by the concept of time. Whether it’s being late the one day my boss decides to check up on me or just not getting what I want, God’s timing is frustrating. I feel like His answer to everything for the past few years has been the same thing: wait, my child. I am one of the most patient people I know, but even I’m tired of waiting. That isn’t to say that I’m questioning God’s judgment or timing; I’d be foolish to think like that. I do trust that He knows what’s best for me. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything:
A time to hurt and to heal (v3).
A time to cry and to laugh (v4).
A time to embrace and to avoid (v5).
A time to break up and to put back together (v7).
A time to shut up and to speak (v7).
A time to love and to hate (v8).
I could be exaggerating, but it seems like the bad times greatly outweigh the good. It seems like every time something good does come along, it’s immediately followed by something that brings me back down. I’m not allowed to sit in the good times, or even really enjoy them. I feel like my time to hurt and cry and avoid and break up and be quiet and hate has made up the majority of my life. Sure, I’ve had my time to heal and laugh and mend and speak. Yes, it is those other two that are notably absent from my life. That isn’t to say that I don’t love people. Because I do, just…..not exactly how I always want to. I’m always told to “dial it down” in one way or another. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THAT! The result of that is I’m not being genuine with people I care about; I don’t get to share the love of Christ that I’ve been taught for the last 25+ years. That love is shown in unique, individual ways by every single person indwelt by the Holy Spirit. By telling me to do otherwise, you are destroying my individuality. I’ve had enough problems finding myself and I don’t need people telling me to not be me. “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken” (good article on authenticity here). I want to be authentic with others, but it’s really difficult when I get nothing but walls. I know people are hurting, but walling it off won’t do anything but cause division and inauthenticity.

And because it comes up in everything I write, I’ll just let Freddie belt it out for me:

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Breaking Down & Coming Undone

“People do crazy things when they’re in love.”

That’s the saying we always hear, right? I’ll be the first one to agree with that statement because it’s generally true. I’ve experienced the truth in this statement a couple times before.

Now I can talk about the present. I’ve been trying to process everything that’s been going on in my heart. It’s so hard for me to say a lot of things out loud because I’m so self-conscious about what others will think of me. I feel that a lot of my thoughts are so over-the-top and crazy that people will look at me differently. This is all part of my daily thoughts and influences my decisions to do and say certain things (and why I end up not talking a lot). It’s really hard for me to truly open up to anyone and Charlie is really the only person I’ve ever been fully open with. I’ve tried to live my life as an open book and let people in, but I still struggle to let things out. I think a part of that is feeling like no one is really seeking to get to know me better. And I know it’s a two-way street; I want to get to know others too. I think the struggle in that is a sort of…..resentment, I guess. I’ve poured out of myself for so long without getting much of anything in return. It’s hard because I want to be selfish for once, but it goes against everything I know to be right. I wouldn’t feel like myself being selfish and I’m not even fully sure how to go about it here. I just want to feel…..loved…and to be given the opportunity to love back. Ultimately, that’s how “selfish” I am; I want to love others uninhibited. But I feel stifled, bottled up because no one will let me love them like I want to. No one will let me in enough to see the kind of love that I have to offer. I mean that in both types of relationships, but admittedly mostly in the case of a relationship between myself and one of the opposite gender. In some ways, I can feel my heart hardening and I don’t want that. I don’t want to shut people out, but it’s a defense for the way I’ve felt like I’ve been treated.

Wow, that paragraph was kind of all over the place. It made sense, right?

I know I’m not the only one with struggles; I know I’m not the only one with trust issues. I don’t want to make either of those seem true. But God calls us to live in community with each other. Being in a relationship of any kind should be, at its simplest, living life together and sharing in our struggles. I’m not someone who thinks they can solve all the problems in the world; I just want to be there to love and support you through them.

I’m so at war with my emotions right now. I am so emotionally driven it bugs me like nothing else. I can’t help but think about everything that’s going on and all my emotion that’s behind it, emotion I try to hide. Even as I type this I keep getting thrown off track by thinking about it all and getting overcome with all the emotions I’m feeling. And I certainly don’t want to get into a relationship to dump all these feelings on someone else; I’d feel terrible for subjecting anyone else to all of this crap. But no one wants to know anyway. It’s perfect that the song the title is from came up today. Breaking down and coming undone is exactly how I feel. But I do a fairly good job of hiding it most of the time……at least, I think I do. I’m so broken it’s hard to tell anymore.

Now to clarify what I said in the beginning. I can’t say for certain that one of the emotions I’m feeling right now is love. I mean, there’s always some form of love in me (the love of Christ). But the kind of love that comes with a lifetime of companionship, I can’t say for certain. I’d like to think so. Maybe it’s different for me with not having the greatest of experiences with that. One of my biggest struggles with that is just in how it happens. I’m definitely one who doesn’t waste time falling for someone. But just as fast as I fall, I fall that much harder when it doesn’t work or I even feel like things are falling apart, which has been my feeling lately. It’s especially frustrating when those feelings end up making me looks stupid. Or at least, I feel like I look stupid to others. I’d like it if what I’m feeling is the beginning of the type of love that I’ve been searching for and failing miserably at. It’d be nice not to utterly suck at that for once.

I’ll end this with one last thought and challenge. One of my goals is to make sure every person I love and care about knows that I do. Whether it’s with a conversation or simply a hug, know that I do care about you and am grateful that you are in my life. I do so not because I want anything in return. But like it is with our faith and works, I would hope that your response to receiving that would be giving the same in return.

Well, that only took me 5 hours to write. Crap.

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