it’s late

Well, it’s 4am as I type this and I have a test in 4 hours, which I haven’t studied for. I wanted to type this last night when I felt led to but I was very tired and decided sleep was better for me. Problem is now I don’t remember exactly what I wanted to blog about. Then again, no one follows/reads my blog anyway so who the hell cares?! Seems the people that do care about me just get farther and farther away (3,000 miles is far, right?). I sit here, 5 days til my birthday and no plans. Each of my past 2 birthday parties I planned myself; no one planned one for me, suggested one or surprised me with one. I hate when my birthday comes around because it shows just how much people really care about me. To think I love people so easily and then turn around and be treated like this. Most everyone gives me lip service but very few seem to truly care. Guess I’m getting a small taste of how Yahweh must feel about us humans (Note: I am in no way equalizing or comparing myself with God. Just trying to make a point). Not that I do things for others just so that I get something in return; I always think of others before myself.

I just wish that just once someone would do something for me. Every time I start to think about this my heart breaks and I just want to burst into tears. I’m gonna cry myself to sleep hoping that someday someone (read: “female”) will care about me more than anyone else. I pray it’d be soon but I don’t expect anything anymore. I want things to happen; they don’t happen the way I hope. I make things happen; they still don’t go how I planned for them to go. I plan things to happen; changing minds change those plans. I hate this feeling of loneliness that pervades my every thought. Someone please make it go away!!!

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