I’m broken inside…

A lot of stuff has been going on in my life over the past couple weeks. Crappy crappy stuff. I can’t write about everything that’s happened because I’m not supposed to talk about it.

My favorite songs have been “I’m Not Alright” by Sanctus Real and “Stained Glass Masquerade” by Casting Crowns.

I don’t feel like doing much of anything right now. My emotions feel completely drained. I’m starting to feel this overall numbness to everything I do. I know there are people around me that care about me. I found that out on my birthday this past year. There’s just part of me that doesn’t fully believe it. I feel like I’m falling into this pit of despair that I don’t want to get out of. I feel like my attitude…….actions……..emotions…….every bit of myself that I exude into this world is unrequited.

I feel extremely blessed to not have had to go through some of the things my friends have had to endure. To tell the truth, I envy them. I wish………..that some of the things that have happened to them WOULD happen to me………..so that I could know that people really do care. The Bible talks a lot about blessing through suffering; that we who persevere through trials are to receive a crown of life (James 2:12 NASB). I’m not even thinking about a crown. I just want to feel……….something.

I’ve always felt like there’s something wrong with me, medically. I’m pretty sure I’m ADHD. I don’t mean that like when everyone says they might be “a little ADD” or something like that. I’m fairly certain I actually have adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. I’ve also had this feeling there’s something wrong with my heart. I get these stabbing chest pains every now and then. It happened last week when playing volleyball after Bible study on Sunday night. I don’t know what it could be and I don’t know what to do. Honestly, I want it to be serious. Small heart attacks maybe….?

My body’s clock and balance are way screwed up. I haven’t been awake and outside in full daylight since Sunday. I’ve been getting up in the twilight hours and going to bed, but not falling asleep, until close to sunrise. It is now almost 11pm and I still haven’t eaten anything today. Out of the past two weeks, I’ve had TWO days where I’ve had more than one meal. That doesn’t count midnight meals at Denny’s. I might as well be a vampire. (I’m reading “Eclipse”, love it!)

I’m not gonna be in school much longer. I will probably be dropping out of Biola within a couple of weeks. I haven’t been to a class in two weeks (sleep problem above). I can’t see school helping me much right now.

I need to get a job. I applied to work at Disneyland but my interview isn’t until March 27th. I need the money for my next problem.

I have to move out. My parents said at the end of last semester that I have to find my own place to live at the end of this semester. Who knows how that’s gonna change when I drop out? I have a plan with my friends to rent a house together, but we all need steady jobs and cash flow. It’s also gonna take coordination; it can’t just happen.

I’ve been feeling very dead and I might as well be. Hanging out with my friends is the only thing that’s allowing me to keep my sanity. It may not sound right to say, but God is not enough. He is not comforting me right now. I can’t say that I’m mad at Him. Part of my life was spent being a very superficial Christian and I can’t say I blame Him. Satan is at work around me……..and that scares me. Scared because of what more he might do to me……..or make me do to myself. I don’t want to take the coward’s way out……..

I wish I didn’t have siblings that looked up to me. They deserve so much better than what I’ve shown them. I pray that they do everything they can NOT to be like me. I pray they continue to love the same God I know loves me. I wish so much to be in His presence right now……….

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One Response to I’m broken inside…

  1. Anna says:

    Paul, know that there are people who do care about you. It sounds like you feel that you’re experiancing both everything and nothing at the same time. But know that we do care about you, ok? I’ll smack you upside the head for posting all of this stuff on the internet tomorrow at church.

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