Stream Of Consciousness

Having faith has never been much of an issue for me. In fact, it’s one of my strongest spiritual gifts. Trusting that God will prevail has always been my first instinct. I’ve always trusted that He knows what’s best for me, even when it doesn’t line up with what I want. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it doesn’t matter what I want. I’ve gotten what I want before and it never turns out the way I want it to. Whenever I’ve given in to God’s will and let Him work through me, it always turns out better than I could’ve planned. This has led to me having reduced expectations. I still have things I plan and want, but I no longer expect anything particular to happen.

Part of my personality is the need for control. I try to be as spontaneous as I can, but my mind is always racing. I always have to know my options, even though I usually don’t think of what actually ends up happening. This continued failure has led me to where I am today. It’s my failure that causes me to over think every situation. It’s a part of me that I’ve been working to squelch and it’s a work in progress. I don’t like being held captive by my own thoughts. I want to do the things that God is telling me to do. I want to enjoy the spontaneity of life.

And I need relationships that can help me with that. I don’t get close to many people and I’ve taken every one of my choices very seriously. I try to be intentional. I’ve tried to be as open and honest as I can. I’ve given out my respect and trust like candy on All Hallow’s Eve. I’ve loved and cared for others with the fullest of emotions. I’ve poured my heart and soul into those I care about…

But all they do is let me down. As to be expected, being human and all. I do it over and over again because it’s who I am. I give of myself so that others will be happy, without a second thought to my own happiness. Because seeing the happiness of those I care about is what makes me happy. Seeing those I love succeed is what gives me a sort of sense of satisfaction.

But it’s never enough. I know that God loves me and cares about me more than any person ever could. I know my family loves me. I know I have friends that care about me. I should be happy…..but I’m not. I’ve endured a childhood of being ridiculed. I’ve gone through my awkward teenage years being bullied and treated as an outcast. All of this while holding out in the hope that someday I might find the one person among all of them that cares about me and my happiness; hoping there’s another who shares my view and would give of herself to me as I have done…

There’ve been glimmers of hope; temporary things that pass like a gentle breeze. But nothing has ever stuck. No one’s ever stayed. Everyone always leaves me. I will never be the one to do that. I will, in the words of the Hanson brothers, “hold on to the ones who really care”. But nothing’s ever what it seems. Humans are weak, imperfect and they leave. I don’t absolve myself of those first two; I know I can’t simply blame others. I’ve made my share of mistakes. I know that I’m still being refined by God and I’ve been working on myself for so long now. I’m tired of the facade, tired of the games and emotionally drained. A cup can only pour out so much unless it gets poured back into.

A normal relationship would be nice. Is there such a thing? Just two people who care about each other, enjoy each other’s company and want what’s best for the other. Two people that share a passion to live for Christ and learn to love as He does. A relationship with someone who would keep me company while I’m working, lay around and be lazy with me, want to go to cool and interesting places with me or lay her head on and cry with me. All I’ve ever hoped for is simply someone whose hand I could hold; someone to experience life’s trials with and to be able to kiss her and help make those sour times taste just a little sweeter. Is that too much to ask for?

Thanks for listening to my ranting/stream of consciousness 🙂

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