There comes a point when every man must make that decision. When he must take a stand against an imperial ruler. When he must stand up for injustice. When he must stave off the invading forces. When he must fight for……himself….and what he believes in. To do what he must do for the good of himself.
It’s not a selfish act; it’s about being ready for what life throws at you. It’s about being ready to take that next step. It’s about allowing God to work in and through you. It’s about being a person that others can count on. It’s about being responsible for oneself. It’s about becoming an adult. It’s about being the best you that you can be.
And it’s high time I made that decision. I’ve spent so many years trying to make up for the things I missed out on because of my lonely junior high and high school experience, trying to stay a kid as long as I can. And hanging on to everyone I can, even those I should’ve let go so long ago…
I can’t do that anymore. It’s time to grow up. If I ever want to be worthy of someone else, I have to be worthy of myself first. I have to be the best I can be for myself. I have to let go of the past. I’ll never let you find me. I’m leaving you behind with the past. No, I won’t look back.
I’ve definitely learned from my mistakes. I’ve been trying so hard to avoid doing those things again, and yet it’s a struggle. Stuff happens, things are awkward; it feels unnatural to move against it. But I try to push through it. I do the hard things, no matter how long it takes. I’ve always made it my mission to put others before myself because that is what we are called to do in living a Christ-like life. But I’ve lost sight of what it’s like to take care of myself. A glass can only continue pouring out if there’s still something in it! This doesn’t mean I won’t continue respecting others. If anything, I’m finally going to be giving that respect to myself as well.
I’m still going to struggle. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. My mind is human. My heart is human. Yeah, it really sucks. I slip into bouts of depression more often than I’d like. I know what I need to do, but knowing is only half the battle. So many things depend on the decisions of others, others that are probably in a different state of mind. It’s hard to keep your head up when others continually let you down.
But still I march on.