There is no rest.
There is nothing to look forward to.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel.
Never gonna happen.
But it’s not about what I want. My Father in heaven is the Lord of my life. He knows what’s best for me. He knows when the time is right. But it doesn’t make it any easier. It doesn’t make the pain go away. It doesn’t clear up the confusion. It doesn’t make the games end.
I give and give and give. That’s what I’ve always been taught to do. That’s what Jesus tells us to do. “Do unto others as you have them do unto you.” But no one ever flips the perspective. Someone has to fulfill that whole “do unto you” part. I can’t just keep pouring myself out.
But somehow….I do. Somehow, my pitcher of emotions just keeps on flowing. Even when it feels like it’s empty, it just keeps flowing out. When logic dictates that there’s nothing left in the tank, still more comes out. If emotion were a material thing, I’d be violating the Law of Conservation of Mass.
It’s never in excess; only just enough. Like Hanukkah (which starts tomorrow, by the way). The Jews found only enough oil to keep the menorah lit for one day. But God allowed it to last for eight days, just long enough for them to get a fresh supply. Where’s my fresh supply?
My mind is always wandering. From one possibility to another, I’m always trying to stay one step ahead. Unfortunately, that also means thinking the worst. The worst isn’t always exactly the same; it’s always unsettling. Death….robbery….moving away; I hate it all. It always means I’m out of the picture. Yeah, it’s selfish of me, but I don’t care. I’m always one to support a friend in what I think is good for them, even if it means leaving me behind. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I’m always left behind to deal with the shit-storm of emotion that follows.
That’s why I’m moving to act. It’s time for things to change. It’s time to grow up. I’m looking for a full time job, no matter where or what it is. I’m going for a more normal sleep schedule. Cause that’s what I need to be: an adult. It’s time to put away childish things. I can’t say it’ll help fill me up. Only God knows that for sure. My life is in His hands and He has my trust.