I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
I’ve always been a big proponent of “Good things come to those who wait on the Lord”. I feel like the majority of my life is an exercise in patience. A man can only take so much waiting. This constant encouragement and discouragement is rather annoying. A favorite song of my mine is “Lift Me Up” by The Afters because the lyrics are such an encouragement to the weak and weary.
“You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go”
But it’s not enough. It should be….but it’s not. My heart is tired. My hurt is buried deep within me, beneath layers of happiness that I force on myself. I know what I need to do. I know what will help. I can’t do it alone. I hate this facade. I hate lying about who I am. I’m ready for this period to end. I’m ready for someone to accept me for who I am. This well of emotion is running dry without an aquifer to draw from.
Then again, maybe I didn’t know to begin with.