Here I am. Still.
Nothing has changed. No progress has been made. I’m still in the exact place I’ve been for what seems like an eternity. And that pisses me off like nothing else. In the words of Kang, I must move forward, not backward. But, every effort I have made to move forward has fallen flat. Can I get a job? Nope. Can I get the girl? Not happening.
I know that God has a purpose in all things and I’ve put my life in His hands. That doesn’t stop my mind from constantly thinking about it; I have to think about it in order to do something about it! Sometimes I really hate my propensity for over-thinking things. I over-analyze every single situation and it bugs the hell out of me! It’s not something I can just turn off and it amplifies even the slightest bit of drama that happens in my life, even if it may not involve me or actually be anything at all. I always feel horribly selfish thinking that any little thing that may have happened is because of something I did. I can’t know for sure if no one tells me and I’d feel weird about possibly blowing something up way bigger than it ever actually was or looking like a creep (Exhibit A for over-thinking). But I don’t know; I don’t get those conversations. Sure, there are the rare ones I do get. But those usually bring me into drama that I wasn’t thinking of or didn’t know existed. I’m so fucking tired of the games and drama!
I know that God is still preparing me. I’ve seen over the last few weeks what God has been doing in my life to prepare me to take those next steps. I’m grateful that He knows what’s best for me and I see where He’s taking me. But I’d like some baby steps. I need something to show that I am actually starting to move forward, not just preparing to move forward. My life is nothing but ready actions without a single step in the right direction.
And that’s the problem I always run into. My wants are not what God wants for me. I always know this, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want anything. I’ve been slowly re-training myself to think outside my wants and to align them with what God wants for me. It’s hard and I fail all the time. But I still try my best.
Something else I’ve been working on is my authenticity. I want to be real with those I love and care about. My entire junior high and high school experience was about putting on a face so that no one could see the pain that I felt; the pain of rejection by my peers. Sure, I had rare moments where I felt accepted. But, I knew it wasn’t real and neither was I. I spent 6 years lonely and scared for what the rest of my life was going to look like. When I started giving my life back to God after high school, this was the first area I felt convicted in. It’s been hard rediscovering who I am because part of my personality has been taking on attributes of others as my own, like a chameleon. This has made it difficult to ascertain exactly which parts of me are actually….me. But, I make every effort to let you know who I am. What you see is what you get. If I care about you, you’ll know it. I hate holding things back now. I want to be me and no one else. I’m under no one’s rules but the Lord’s.
One of my strongest attributes has always been my faith. But my relationship with the Lord floundered during those 6 lonely years and I struggled to right it for so long. Over the last few years, I’ve slowly been coming back to Him. Through missions’ trips and intimate studies, I draw closer and closer to Him every day. My relationship with the Lord never felt stronger than when I felt Him calling me to lead worship in the Young Adult group at Calvary last year. He instilled in me this passion for leading that I didn’t think I had. By the power of the Spirit, He allows me to lead His people in humble adoration of our Savior and King. Next month, I am blessed with the privilege of leading the Young Adult group in another all-worship night. As stressful as the logistics of putting this together are and not having much of a musical background, I know that it is the power of the Spirit flowing through me that allows me to do this. I never feel closer to Him than when I raise my hands in praise of my Almighty Father. I love that God has brought out this side of me! Lately, I’ve felt so much closer to Him than I ever have. I’m thankful for continued growth in that relationship.
In all of this, I still worry. I’m still angry. I still feel hurt.
But I struggle every day to give it up to God. I say that because I do give it up. I trust God with my life. But I’ll never be completely free from worry, hurt or anger. At least…..not in this life. And if I could be free from all those and be completely happy where I am, why on earth would I care about going to Heaven?! Fortunately for us, we live in a sinful world that leaves us yearning for something better. So I know it’ll always be there in some form and magnitude. I just need someone to talk, listen, learn and love with me. And since the last one is kind of all-encompassing, I just need to give my love to someone. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I continue to bottle it up and save it for the one who deserves it….