Breaking Down & Coming Undone

“People do crazy things when they’re in love.”

That’s the saying we always hear, right? I’ll be the first one to agree with that statement because it’s generally true. I’ve experienced the truth in this statement a couple times before.

Now I can talk about the present. I’ve been trying to process everything that’s been going on in my heart. It’s so hard for me to say a lot of things out loud because I’m so self-conscious about what others will think of me. I feel that a lot of my thoughts are so over-the-top and crazy that people will look at me differently. This is all part of my daily thoughts and influences my decisions to do and say certain things (and why I end up not talking a lot). It’s really hard for me to truly open up to anyone and Charlie is really the only person I’ve ever been fully open with. I’ve tried to live my life as an open book and let people in, but I still struggle to let things out. I think a part of that is feeling like no one is really seeking to get to know me better. And I know it’s a two-way street; I want to get to know others too. I think the struggle in that is a sort of…..resentment, I guess. I’ve poured out of myself for so long without getting much of anything in return. It’s hard because I want to be selfish for once, but it goes against everything I know to be right. I wouldn’t feel like myself being selfish and I’m not even fully sure how to go about it here. I just want to feel…..loved…and to be given the opportunity to love back. Ultimately, that’s how “selfish” I am; I want to love others uninhibited. But I feel stifled, bottled up because no one will let me love them like I want to. No one will let me in enough to see the kind of love that I have to offer. I mean that in both types of relationships, but admittedly mostly in the case of a relationship between myself and one of the opposite gender. In some ways, I can feel my heart hardening and I don’t want that. I don’t want to shut people out, but it’s a defense for the way I’ve felt like I’ve been treated.

Wow, that paragraph was kind of all over the place. It made sense, right?

I know I’m not the only one with struggles; I know I’m not the only one with trust issues. I don’t want to make either of those seem true. But God calls us to live in community with each other. Being in a relationship of any kind should be, at its simplest, living life together and sharing in our struggles. I’m not someone who thinks they can solve all the problems in the world; I just want to be there to love and support you through them.

I’m so at war with my emotions right now. I am so emotionally driven it bugs me like nothing else. I can’t help but think about everything that’s going on and all my emotion that’s behind it, emotion I try to hide. Even as I type this I keep getting thrown off track by thinking about it all and getting overcome with all the emotions I’m feeling. And I certainly don’t want to get into a relationship to dump all these feelings on someone else; I’d feel terrible for subjecting anyone else to all of this crap. But no one wants to know anyway. It’s perfect that the song the title is from came up today. Breaking down and coming undone is exactly how I feel. But I do a fairly good job of hiding it most of the time……at least, I think I do. I’m so broken it’s hard to tell anymore.

Now to clarify what I said in the beginning. I can’t say for certain that one of the emotions I’m feeling right now is love. I mean, there’s always some form of love in me (the love of Christ). But the kind of love that comes with a lifetime of companionship, I can’t say for certain. I’d like to think so. Maybe it’s different for me with not having the greatest of experiences with that. One of my biggest struggles with that is just in how it happens. I’m definitely one who doesn’t waste time falling for someone. But just as fast as I fall, I fall that much harder when it doesn’t work or I even feel like things are falling apart, which has been my feeling lately. It’s especially frustrating when those feelings end up making me looks stupid. Or at least, I feel like I look stupid to others. I’d like it if what I’m feeling is the beginning of the type of love that I’ve been searching for and failing miserably at. It’d be nice not to utterly suck at that for once.

I’ll end this with one last thought and challenge. One of my goals is to make sure every person I love and care about knows that I do. Whether it’s with a conversation or simply a hug, know that I do care about you and am grateful that you are in my life. I do so not because I want anything in return. But like it is with our faith and works, I would hope that your response to receiving that would be giving the same in return.

Well, that only took me 5 hours to write. Crap.

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