Living in this fallen world unfortunately requires dealing with these people at one point or another. All too often, someone close to me has stabbed me in the back with their lies and lack of respect. I used to be too trusting of others, but now I find it hard to truly trust anyone at all. That’s what a life of being bullied, beaten up and alienated will do to you. I don’t want it to be that way. I despise how much I put on a face to please others. In the end, I’m being disrespectful to them because they can’t see the real me. And that’s what irks me the most: that I struggle being authentic with even those that I would call my friends.
This has to STOP! I won’t tolerate my own lying any more than I do of others lying to or about me. If you ask me how I’m doing and I say I’m “okay” or “doing good”, don’t take it at face value. Please call me out. I want to be as open and honest with you as I can. If we’re not close enough friends for that, maybe we can change that. I struggle with taking initiative (surprise surprise) and that extends to friendship. That’s what a life of hurt and distrust has done to me. Life gets busy and I don’t always have the right time for everyone, either. But friends are friends forever, and I need them. I need to be searched out, to be noticed, to feel….wanted.
This is me being REAL: the hurt has been swept under the rug so much that there’s a colony of fire ants eating away at my heart. I need some Raid because I’m not okay. This started as a short Facebook post, but the flood kept coming and I decided this deserved its own blog post.
The season for change has come. September is over, and I’m wide awake. Happy birthday to the ground.