Trouble, Trouble, Trouble

“So shame on me now……now I’m lying on the cold, hard ground”

The world sucks. I just can’t seem to win. The best laid plans are ruined by the lies of a fallen world. I can’t get a job, no matter how perfect it may be for me.

Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and emotional. I’m so tired of that. I’m tired of feeling personally attacked by everything that happens. I’m tired of having to play games to make others happy. I don’t mean to be manipulative about it (if that’s how it comes across at all, not sure). My constantly-analyzing mind says that’s how it gets done and is usually right. Because people like playing games with others. I hate that. I want honesty, but no one else seems to want it. Yes yes, fallen world and all that jazz.

I’m not saying I’m perfect in any of this. I fail and need to work on these things just like everyone else. I do them because I know they work, which is a sad testament in and of itself. But I don’t see anyone else trying/wanting to change these things. If they are, where are they in my life? God continually puts people in my life so that He can work in them through me. I see that constantly. He uses those times to work in me, too. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Speaking of time….

I’m constantly frustrated by the concept of time. Whether it’s being late the one day my boss decides to check up on me or just not getting what I want, God’s timing is frustrating. I feel like His answer to everything for the past few years has been the same thing: wait, my child. I am one of the most patient people I know, but even I’m tired of waiting. That isn’t to say that I’m questioning God’s judgment or timing; I’d be foolish to think like that. I do trust that He knows what’s best for me. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything:
A time to hurt and to heal (v3).
A time to cry and to laugh (v4).
A time to embrace and to avoid (v5).
A time to break up and to put back together (v7).
A time to shut up and to speak (v7).
A time to love and to hate (v8).
I could be exaggerating, but it seems like the bad times greatly outweigh the good. It seems like every time something good does come along, it’s immediately followed by something that brings me back down. I’m not allowed to sit in the good times, or even really enjoy them. I feel like my time to hurt and cry and avoid and break up and be quiet and hate has made up the majority of my life. Sure, I’ve had my time to heal and laugh and mend and speak. Yes, it is those other two that are notably absent from my life. That isn’t to say that I don’t love people. Because I do, just…..not exactly how I always want to. I’m always told to “dial it down” in one way or another. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THAT! The result of that is I’m not being genuine with people I care about; I don’t get to share the love of Christ that I’ve been taught for the last 25+ years. That love is shown in unique, individual ways by every single person indwelt by the Holy Spirit. By telling me to do otherwise, you are destroying my individuality. I’ve had enough problems finding myself and I don’t need people telling me to not be me. “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken” (good article on authenticity here). I want to be authentic with others, but it’s really difficult when I get nothing but walls. I know people are hurting, but walling it off won’t do anything but cause division and inauthenticity.

And because it comes up in everything I write, I’ll just let Freddie belt it out for me:

Posted in Feelings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Breaking Down & Coming Undone

“People do crazy things when they’re in love.”

That’s the saying we always hear, right? I’ll be the first one to agree with that statement because it’s generally true. I’ve experienced the truth in this statement a couple times before.

Now I can talk about the present. I’ve been trying to process everything that’s been going on in my heart. It’s so hard for me to say a lot of things out loud because I’m so self-conscious about what others will think of me. I feel that a lot of my thoughts are so over-the-top and crazy that people will look at me differently. This is all part of my daily thoughts and influences my decisions to do and say certain things (and why I end up not talking a lot). It’s really hard for me to truly open up to anyone and Charlie is really the only person I’ve ever been fully open with. I’ve tried to live my life as an open book and let people in, but I still struggle to let things out. I think a part of that is feeling like no one is really seeking to get to know me better. And I know it’s a two-way street; I want to get to know others too. I think the struggle in that is a sort of…..resentment, I guess. I’ve poured out of myself for so long without getting much of anything in return. It’s hard because I want to be selfish for once, but it goes against everything I know to be right. I wouldn’t feel like myself being selfish and I’m not even fully sure how to go about it here. I just want to feel…..loved…and to be given the opportunity to love back. Ultimately, that’s how “selfish” I am; I want to love others uninhibited. But I feel stifled, bottled up because no one will let me love them like I want to. No one will let me in enough to see the kind of love that I have to offer. I mean that in both types of relationships, but admittedly mostly in the case of a relationship between myself and one of the opposite gender. In some ways, I can feel my heart hardening and I don’t want that. I don’t want to shut people out, but it’s a defense for the way I’ve felt like I’ve been treated.

Wow, that paragraph was kind of all over the place. It made sense, right?

I know I’m not the only one with struggles; I know I’m not the only one with trust issues. I don’t want to make either of those seem true. But God calls us to live in community with each other. Being in a relationship of any kind should be, at its simplest, living life together and sharing in our struggles. I’m not someone who thinks they can solve all the problems in the world; I just want to be there to love and support you through them.

I’m so at war with my emotions right now. I am so emotionally driven it bugs me like nothing else. I can’t help but think about everything that’s going on and all my emotion that’s behind it, emotion I try to hide. Even as I type this I keep getting thrown off track by thinking about it all and getting overcome with all the emotions I’m feeling. And I certainly don’t want to get into a relationship to dump all these feelings on someone else; I’d feel terrible for subjecting anyone else to all of this crap. But no one wants to know anyway. It’s perfect that the song the title is from came up today. Breaking down and coming undone is exactly how I feel. But I do a fairly good job of hiding it most of the time……at least, I think I do. I’m so broken it’s hard to tell anymore.

Now to clarify what I said in the beginning. I can’t say for certain that one of the emotions I’m feeling right now is love. I mean, there’s always some form of love in me (the love of Christ). But the kind of love that comes with a lifetime of companionship, I can’t say for certain. I’d like to think so. Maybe it’s different for me with not having the greatest of experiences with that. One of my biggest struggles with that is just in how it happens. I’m definitely one who doesn’t waste time falling for someone. But just as fast as I fall, I fall that much harder when it doesn’t work or I even feel like things are falling apart, which has been my feeling lately. It’s especially frustrating when those feelings end up making me looks stupid. Or at least, I feel like I look stupid to others. I’d like it if what I’m feeling is the beginning of the type of love that I’ve been searching for and failing miserably at. It’d be nice not to utterly suck at that for once.

I’ll end this with one last thought and challenge. One of my goals is to make sure every person I love and care about knows that I do. Whether it’s with a conversation or simply a hug, know that I do care about you and am grateful that you are in my life. I do so not because I want anything in return. But like it is with our faith and works, I would hope that your response to receiving that would be giving the same in return.

Well, that only took me 5 hours to write. Crap.

Posted in Feelings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Upward, Not Forward

Here I am. Still.

Nothing has changed. No progress has been made. I’m still in the exact place I’ve been for what seems like an eternity. And that pisses me off like nothing else. In the words of Kang, I must move forward, not backward. But, every effort I have made to move forward has fallen flat. Can I get a job? Nope. Can I get the girl? Not happening.

I know that God has a purpose in all things and I’ve put my life in His hands. That doesn’t stop my mind from constantly thinking about it; I have to think about it in order to do something about it! Sometimes I really hate my propensity for over-thinking things. I over-analyze every single situation and it bugs the hell out of me! It’s not something I can just turn off and it amplifies even the slightest bit of drama that happens in my life, even if it may not involve me or actually be anything at all. I always feel horribly selfish thinking that any little thing that may have happened is because of something I did. I can’t know for sure if no one tells me and I’d feel weird about possibly blowing something up way bigger than it ever actually was or looking like a creep (Exhibit A for over-thinking). But I don’t know; I don’t get those conversations. Sure, there are the rare ones I do get. But those usually bring me into drama that I wasn’t thinking of or didn’t know existed. I’m so fucking tired of the games and drama!

I know that God is still preparing me. I’ve seen over the last few weeks what God has been doing in my life to prepare me to take those next steps. I’m grateful that He knows what’s best for me and I see where He’s taking me. But I’d like some baby steps. I need something to show that I am actually starting to move forward, not just preparing to move forward. My life is nothing but ready actions without a single step in the right direction.

And that’s the problem I always run into. My wants are not what God wants for me. I always know this, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want anything. I’ve been slowly re-training myself to think outside my wants and to align them with what God wants for me. It’s hard and I fail all the time. But I still try my best.

Something else I’ve been working on is my authenticity. I want to be real with those I love and care about. My entire junior high and high school experience was about putting on a face so that no one could see the pain that I felt; the pain of rejection by my peers. Sure, I had rare moments where I felt accepted. But, I knew it wasn’t real and neither was I. I spent 6 years lonely and scared for what the rest of my life was going to look like. When I started giving my life back to God after high school, this was the first area I felt convicted in. It’s been hard rediscovering who I am because part of my personality has been taking on attributes of others as my own, like a chameleon. This has made it difficult to ascertain exactly which parts of me are actually….me. But, I make every effort to let you know who I am. What you see is what you get. If I care about you, you’ll know it. I hate holding things back now. I want to be me and no one else. I’m under no one’s rules but the Lord’s.

One of my strongest attributes has always been my faith. But my relationship with the Lord floundered during those 6 lonely years and I struggled to right it for so long. Over the last few years, I’ve slowly been coming back to Him. Through missions’ trips and intimate studies, I draw closer and closer to Him every day. My relationship with the Lord never felt stronger than when I felt Him calling me to lead worship in the Young Adult group at Calvary last year. He instilled in me this passion for leading that I didn’t think I had. By the power of the Spirit, He allows me to lead His people in humble adoration of our Savior and King. Next month, I am blessed with the privilege of leading the Young Adult group in another all-worship night. As stressful as the logistics of putting this together are and not having much of a musical background, I know that it is the power of the Spirit flowing through me that allows me to do this. I never feel closer to Him than when I raise my hands in praise of my Almighty Father. I love that God has brought out this side of me! Lately, I’ve felt so much closer to Him than I ever have. I’m thankful for continued growth in that relationship.

In all of this, I still worry. I’m still angry. I still feel hurt.
But I struggle every day to give it up to God. I say that because I do give it up. I trust God with my life. But I’ll never be completely free from worry, hurt or anger. At least…..not in this life. And if I could be free from all those and be completely happy where I am, why on earth would I care about going to Heaven?! Fortunately for us, we live in a sinful world that leaves us yearning for something better. So I know it’ll always be there in some form and magnitude. I just need someone to talk, listen, learn and love with me. And since the last one is kind of all-encompassing, I just need to give my love to someone. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But I continue to bottle it up and save it for the one who deserves it….

Posted in Feelings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Frustrated and Poor

What do I do
When my ambitions go beyond my capabilities?
What do I do
When I know the time isn’t right?
What do I do
When my mind is racing back to you?
What do I do
When all I want is to take care of you?

Can I just get a job already?! I’m so ready for the next stage in life.

Posted in Feelings | Leave a comment

Frustration & Anger

I’m gonna rant and vent a little right now because I’m kinda pissed.

I know I’ve been asking God for signs as to what decisions I need to make. But once again, God’s plans are not my own. I’ve always been open to whatever He has in store for my life. I’m always hopeful that my own plans are in line with His. But I can’t help being a little pissed off when they’re not. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying I’m mad at God. I’m merely mad at myself for building up my expectations and being on the wrong side yet again. I’m mad because I invest in people who disappoint me. I’m mad because people who don’t know my intentions do things I don’t understand. I’m mad because I once again look like an idiot. A complete and utter moron.

I don’t blame others for things they don’t know about me; that would be stupid. As always, I’m the one to blame. It was my decision to invest. It was my decision to get attached. It was my decision to have expectations. I was the one who saw it coming. I was the one who ultimately couldn’t make the decision that ended up being made for me; just not the way I had been hoping. Yes, I’m very grateful for my God’s direction in my life. He is the Lord of my life and has ultimate control over it. I now have His guidance to act.

I’m still über pissed.

But it’s a new year and it’s time for change. I’ve been applying for full time work for over a month now and I’m gonna be even more aggressive in the coming days and weeks. Hopefully I will have a full time job by February. Then I can work toward the next step in life, which I can hopefully share in with someone else.

Still pissed.

Posted in Feelings | Leave a comment

A Single Rose

Coming this Saturday: 24 Burts under the same roof. Our roof.

2 grandparents
2 uncles
3 aunts
7 cousins
4 second cousins
plus the 6 of us.

Not sure how I feel about this right now. And being sick doesn’t help. I know it’s Christmas, but I’m really not in the mood for this. I love them, but it’s just a reminder of what I don’t have. Like I don’t get enough of that every day. So many friends getting engaged….getting married….moving on with their lives when every attempt to do so makes me fall flat on my face. I have/had my time alone and have found enjoyment in it.

But every Doctor needs his companion.

Posted in Feelings | Leave a comment

Spring Up, Oh Well

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I’ve always been a big proponent of “Good things come to those who wait on the Lord”. I feel like the majority of my life is an exercise in patience. A man can only take so much waiting. This constant encouragement and discouragement is rather annoying. A favorite song of my mine is “Lift Me Up” by The Afters because the lyrics are such an encouragement to the weak and weary.

“You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You’re reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I’m letting go
You lift me up when I can’t see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me so I’m letting go”

But it’s not enough. It should be….but it’s not. My heart is tired. My hurt is buried deep within me, beneath layers of happiness that I force on myself. I know what I need to do. I know what will help. I can’t do it alone. I hate this facade. I hate lying about who I am. I’m ready for this period to end. I’m ready for someone to accept me for who I am. This well of emotion is running dry without an aquifer to draw from.
Then again, maybe I didn’t know to begin with.

Posted in Feelings | Leave a comment