“So shame on me now……now I’m lying on the cold, hard ground”
The world sucks. I just can’t seem to win. The best laid plans are ruined by the lies of a fallen world. I can’t get a job, no matter how perfect it may be for me.
Maybe I’m just overly sensitive and emotional. I’m so tired of that. I’m tired of feeling personally attacked by everything that happens. I’m tired of having to play games to make others happy. I don’t mean to be manipulative about it (if that’s how it comes across at all, not sure). My constantly-analyzing mind says that’s how it gets done and is usually right. Because people like playing games with others. I hate that. I want honesty, but no one else seems to want it. Yes yes, fallen world and all that jazz.
I’m not saying I’m perfect in any of this. I fail and need to work on these things just like everyone else. I do them because I know they work, which is a sad testament in and of itself. But I don’t see anyone else trying/wanting to change these things. If they are, where are they in my life? God continually puts people in my life so that He can work in them through me. I see that constantly. He uses those times to work in me, too. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Speaking of time….
I’m constantly frustrated by the concept of time. Whether it’s being late the one day my boss decides to check up on me or just not getting what I want, God’s timing is frustrating. I feel like His answer to everything for the past few years has been the same thing: wait, my child. I am one of the most patient people I know, but even I’m tired of waiting. That isn’t to say that I’m questioning God’s judgment or timing; I’d be foolish to think like that. I do trust that He knows what’s best for me. Solomon writes in Ecclesiastes 3 that there is a time for everything:
A time to hurt and to heal (v3).
A time to cry and to laugh (v4).
A time to embrace and to avoid (v5).
A time to break up and to put back together (v7).
A time to shut up and to speak (v7).
A time to love and to hate (v8).
I could be exaggerating, but it seems like the bad times greatly outweigh the good. It seems like every time something good does come along, it’s immediately followed by something that brings me back down. I’m not allowed to sit in the good times, or even really enjoy them. I feel like my time to hurt and cry and avoid and break up and be quiet and hate has made up the majority of my life. Sure, I’ve had my time to heal and laugh and mend and speak. Yes, it is those other two that are notably absent from my life. That isn’t to say that I don’t love people. Because I do, just…..not exactly how I always want to. I’m always told to “dial it down” in one way or another. STOP TELLING ME TO DO THAT! The result of that is I’m not being genuine with people I care about; I don’t get to share the love of Christ that I’ve been taught for the last 25+ years. That love is shown in unique, individual ways by every single person indwelt by the Holy Spirit. By telling me to do otherwise, you are destroying my individuality. I’ve had enough problems finding myself and I don’t need people telling me to not be me. “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken” (good article on authenticity here). I want to be authentic with others, but it’s really difficult when I get nothing but walls. I know people are hurting, but walling it off won’t do anything but cause division and inauthenticity.
And because it comes up in everything I write, I’ll just let Freddie belt it out for me: