It’s smack dab in the middle of VBS week here at Calvary. I’m loving being a roaming camera operator and getting to see these 1200 kids worship our King every morning. But something happened this afternoon when I got home. As soon as I walked in the door, I died an emotional death.
I’m not exactly sure why. There’s so much going on that I can’t really point to one specific cause. All the same, I feel like Lieutenant Commander Data, without his emotion chip of course. I’ve had pretty much the same, emotion-less expression on my face for the past 12 hours, even through going out to dinner with my family. I could just be tired from getting up early the last three days and only getting 5-6 hours of sleep. That amount of sleep is usually particularly bad for me; more or less than that and I’m fine. But it feels like it’s more than that.
Maybe it’s that person I saw today from a distance that’s ignoring me.
Maybe it’s a bit of depression from not being able to find another job.
Maybe it’s the pain of everything that’s happened over the past 7 years.
Maybe I’m just….
lonely. I know I have family and friends that care about me. Depression sets in easily because I have such a high standard for how I treat others. When I don’t get that treatment in return, it feels like others don’t care. I realize that we’re all unique in the way that we express to each other how we care; I’ve identified exactly how I do and it’s a part of who I am. It all boils down to the “do unto others” bit that I talked about last time: I expect to be treated how I treat others. Even little things, such as supporting me by coming to see my softball games, make it feel like others just don’t get it.
I’m also a worrier that stresses about seemingly small things. This is where my organizational habits come in to play. I’m always the least bit worried when I’m not in control of a situation or event and will try to gain as much control as I can without overstepping my bounds (which can be a fine line sometimes). I do enjoy the organizational stuff though because it’s also how I help others (and I’m pretty good at it). To all my friends: if you see me trying to take control of something, please do keep me in check. By that I mean to make sure that I’m not overly worrying and keeping my head straight about it.
So much a part of me is pouring into others, but rarely it seems I get others pouring into me. I’m probably just focusing on a particular way and getting disappointed because it just hasn’t happened at all like I’ve wanted it to. I know, God’s plan and whatnot. I guess I’m just running out of patience. Prayer is appreciated.